andhiswife: (pondering)
The Player
Name/nickname: Carrie/Platy
Age: [indistinct mumbling]
Pronouns: her royal highness she/her
Contact: y'all know how to find me.
Currently played characters: Daine, Sunshine and Melanie

The Character
DW account: [personal profile] andhiswife
Name: Greta Baker because I said so
Alias: 'My Wife' (if said by the Baker), 'The Baker's Wife,' 'Mrs. Baker' probably.
Age/Birthdate: 30
Species: archetype human
Canon: "Into the Woods" by Stephen Sondheim and James Lapine, specifically the 2014 Disney film.
Canon point: shortly after 'Moments in the Woods'
Played By: Emily Blunt


She is an excellent baker with a lovely singing voice, and a competent housekeeper by Many Years Ago In A Far-Off Land standards. Thanks to the Rift's efforts, she also has a general knack for completing random, simple tasks provided she isn't actually invested in the outcome. A ball of paper idly tossed in the direction of a wastepaper basket will invariably land right in the basket. Should something start to topple off of a shelf or counter while she's distracted, she will catch it (several toppling somethings might be caught in an improbable stack). If she's slowly teaching herself how to type on a keyboard and someone interrupts her, her WPM will suddenly shoot up. In short: she can accomplish anything she doesn't put her mind to. This power is generally limited to small things and brief moments, since any focus or effort on her part will nullify the effects.

Average height, a little on the slim side, and pretty in a harried sort of way. Her hair is usually falling out of a haphazard bun, and her clothes are simple and, dare I say it, peasant-ish - think skirts and blouses and aprons and earth tones. She moves with the quick economy of someone who has always had too much to do and not enough time to do it in. Her posture is confident when she thinks no one is watching, checked by humility when she thinks someone is, and deferential to the point of prostration when said person is an authority figure (depending on how high up the ladder they are; she's not going to throw herself to the ground for just anyone).

Greta is very much a mother: practical, kind, nurturing, and patient - particularly with children, though she's willing to devote a slightly more exasperated flavor of her maternal attentions to the hapless adults in her life. If she likes you, you can expect her to keep tabs on how you're doing, make sure you're eating enough, fix your tie, or gently suggest that it's time for a haircut. She looks after people as if it's her job.

Growing up in a feudal system has given her a healthy respect for authority that borders on awe, because that's what happens when authority is very handsome and also capable of having you killed. She knows her place, and while she has enough self-respect to not appreciate condescension, she's inclined to defer to those she perceives as 'above' her.

That being said, if she views you as an equal, she won't hesitate to speak her mind. She can be persistent bordering on stubborn when she believes she's in the right, and she's not afraid to butt heads with those who might disagree with her.

Despite being a generally good person, she is not a saint. Her morality has a distinct consequentialist bent; she doesn't have any qualms about bending the rules in pursuit of a worthy goal. Exhibits A through C: in her quest to break a curse on her household, she swindles a dimwitted child, attempts to snatch a woman's shoe right off her foot, and forcibly rips another woman's hair out. She doesn't necessarily feel good about these acts, but she considers them fully justified and doesn't lose sleep over them, either. If the end is right, it justifies the beans.

Drunk History:

Massive spoilers for 'Into the Woods' below!!

OKAY strap in for a half-assed, insufficiently punctuated recap of 'Into the Woods' with a focus on the Baker's Wife's HERE WE GO:


So once upon a time in a far-off land there lived a childless Baker and his Wife, and they were young and cute and pretty happy except for the whole childless thing. One day, the creepy-ass capital-W-Witch who lives next door blows down their door and is all 'oh hey about the childless thing, that was ALL ME because Baker your dad was a bean-thieving dick and so I cursed your whole house because I have really strong feelings about bean thievery.' And they are upset about this because who wouldn't be, but the Witch tells them she'll let bygones be bygones if they just go out into the woods and collect four ingredients: the cow as a white as milk, the cape as red as blood, the hair as yellow as corn, the slipper as pure as gold. She's all 'get me that shit in the next three days and you'll get your baby.' Then she tasmanian devils right outta there.

So the Baker gets ready to set out and break this curse like a man, and Greta wants to go too because obviously they'll find everything faster that way, and the curse is on THEIR house even if it's technically coming down the paternal line, and the Baker isn't having it and orders her to stay behind where it's ~safe~ which is total bullshit. So she follows him into the woods all sneaky-like, like 'oh whoops you forgot your scarf and also shut up I'm helping.'

HIJINKS ENSUE when, mid-argument, they spot this little kid with a white cow that he's trying to sell. He wants five gold pieces, which the Bakers don't have, so Greta gets her reverse psych on and is all 'OH NO WE MUSTN'T TRADE OUR TOTALLY AWESOME BEANS FOR THIS BOY'S SHITTY COW OH WELL IF YOU INSIST I GUESS, I GUESS WE CAN PART WITH SOME' and Jack is an idiot so he's like 'whoa what magic beans SIGN ME UP also I want my cow back someday' and Greta's like 'eeeeehhhhhhhhsureyeahwhatever.' So they give Jack five of the six beans they found in the Baker's dad's old coat and send him on his way.

The Baker's all Lineface McGee about it because they just swindled a little boy, but Greta is all 'EYES ON THE PRIZE' and 'beans are technically food even if they aren't magic, and this is clearly a shitty cow, so he got the best deal he could have hoped for and now we're one ingredient down so this is a win.' But her husband is still pissed, and he sends her and the cow home.

En route, she literally runs into Cinderella, who is fleeing the palace, and then she helps put the Royal Fuzz off her trail because womanly solidarity or something. Then she presses Cinderella for deets about the ball, because man does that sound awesome, balls and castles and gowns and fanciness and all she has is this shitty cow and oh snap are those GOLDEN SLIPPERS Cinderella is wearing? THEY ARE. Except PLOT TWIST the cow runs away and then so does Cinderella and now Greta has nothing but the bitter taste of regret on her metaphorical tongue. ONE MIDNIGHT GONE.

Day two in the forest, morale is low. Greta looks for the cow and only succeeds in finding her husband, who has obtained the cape from Red Riding Hood. He's super Lineface McGee about Greta losing the cow, and they fight about it until the Witch interrupts them and tells them to get their shit together, so they part ways once again for Operation Find The Cow.

During OFTC, Greta overhears these two princes talking about this fair maiden named Rapunzel with hair as yellow as corn who lives in a tower at the following GPS coordinates, and Greta's like 'oh damn son that is what I need.' So she goes to the tower and tricks Rapunzel into letting her hair down by putting on a deep manly manvoice. Then she just straight-up rips off a huge chunk of Rapunzel's braid and wears it around her neck like a trophy/feather boa and it's kinda gross.

Meanwhile, the Baker has found the cow, so when they meet back up they've got three of the four ingredients. Huzzah! They sing a cute little song about what a great team they are and how much they love each other and roll around on the forest floor like goobers.

Jack shows up wanting his cow back, and there's a big old tiff about that, and it stresses the cow out so much that she falls down dead. Womp womp. TWO MIDNIGHTS GONE.

Day three, morale is low again. Baker goes off to get a new cow, Greta goes off to hit up Cinderella for her shoe. She's successful. He isn't, and he tries to pass off the cow as white by covering it with flour, which the Witch does NOT appreciate, but it's all good because she can raise the first cow from the dead, so yay zombie cow. So they have to feed the ingredients TO the cow, which… whatever, magic, except it doesn't work because the Witch can't have touched any of the ingredients, and she's been fondling Rapunzel's hair from day one, whoops. In a moment of unprecedented and never-repeated pseudo-brilliance, Jack suggests they just feed the cow corn silk, which WORKS, and the Witch is pretty again and Greta is like, instantly eight months pregnant and it's incredibly creepy but she's happy, so good for her.


Baker and Greta are pretty goshdarn happy with their cute bouncing baby boy, but they don't get much time to enjoy it before there's a vengeful giant stomping through the land and demanding the boy Jack's head, because it turns out you can't steal a bunch of shit from the giants and then murder one without repercussions. So everyone is panicking and no one can find Jack, and in the chaos Jack's mother dies, but not before making Baker and Greta promise to find her boy and make sure he lives through it all.

So they go back into the woods to try and find Jack and figure out how to stop the giant. They meet up with Red Riding Hood en route and she joins up with them because it turns out all the giant-related chaos has made HER an orphan, too, god Act II is a drag. Greta suggests they split up to cover more ground, leaving baby in the middle with Red, and Baker is not happy with this plan but Greta is like 'GDI DO YOU HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS? NO. YOU DO NOT.' So they each pick a direction and aim to walk 500 paces before turning around and coming back.

Before even making it 200 paces, Greta runs into Prince Charming, who macks on her. She protests, sort of, but gives in eventually, and it's problematic because he's a prince and can she really refuse him? But also he's a total hottie so she's into it. After some comparatively chaste Disney makeouts because we can't have any First of May naughtiness in this movie, Charming is all 'well that was nice, bye dollface' and Greta is like 'what in the not actual fuck just happened.'

So she has a little musical chat with herself and realizes that while making out with Chris Pine is fun and all, it was just a fleeting moment that didn't ultimately mean anything in and of itself, but only served to remind her how good she has it with her cute baby and sweet husband. And it is time to return to them.

And then the giant stomps by, knocking her off balance, and she falls off of a cliff and right into the rift because fuck your gross fridging, James Lapine, I am not here for your 'let's off a competent female character because otherwise her husband will never step up and be the father he should be to his child' bullshit. HOW DARE YOU.

Writing Sample:

It's the third or fourth earth-shattering footstep that really knocks her off balance. She gropes blindly for a branch on which to steady herself, misses by a fair margin, and thinks: well, that was foolish. She wasn't even close.

And then she's falling, absurdly, as if she doesn't have so many better and more important things to do (find the boy, join the group, stop the giant, get out of the woods). One hundred and forty-seven paces - she mustn't lose count, but maybe it doesn't matter, because the count will be different by the time she lands. How many paces is she falling?

It looks like quite a few.

Everything stretches. Something snaps. The air is driven from her lungs. She's tumbling, now, from leaf litter to grass, culminating in a somersault that lands her right on her bottom on a bit of lawn. Lawn. That can't be right.

She pulls in a breath, the air thick and heavy in her chest. But it isn't the oppressive heaviness of the deep woods. There are no woods. The trees are too young, the cover is too thin. And as she brushes a skeletal oak leaf out of her face and looks at her surroundings - really, properly looks - the horrible truth of her situation begins to sink in. There isn't a single familiar thing to be seen.

She could walk five hundred paces in any direction she chose, and it wouldn't bring her home.

(For actual dialogue, here is some nonsense.)

The Game
How did you find out about Big Applesauce?
It's all Kathryn's fault.

What interests you about the game, and your character's place in it?
I'm partially motivated by the fact that this character's death in canon is total bullshit, and she deserves better, damn it. Rift York isn't necessarily 'better' from her perspective - in fact, it's a very far cry from what she wants out of life - but it will be interesting to see how she adapts to her new surroundings. I particularly like the idea of taking a character who is, essentially, an archetype, and bringing them out into the 'real' world to see how they develop. It'll be like Enchanted, but with fewer actual musical numbers. I have no idea what's going to become of her in the long run, but I'd love an excuse to flesh her out more and see where the path leads.

Anything else?

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